 The Remnants Memories of friends, their generosity and obsessions, children’s joy, their eyes filled with wonder, the hurt and disappointment, mine and yours. I see the pain of unreconciled differences hanging over us like dark clouds, doors close quickly and words disappear. I see the pain of unwelcome gifts. Receiving in awkward silence things, care, harm you meant for me to have. Turning towards the Light, I can see the pain of holding on to what no longer is, the good and bad. Like trying to wear old clothes that no longer fit or flatter. How does one live with memories? How does one let this pain pass through? How does one move with changing seasons? Fall turning into the winter while remembering the warmth of the sun, or remembering those simple times before the fire came and devoured it all. The Remnant, I look at it and smile, like seeing an old friend I used to spend a lot of time with. I choose to peel away a little from this familiar pain. The heaviness starts washing away, eventually it dissipates. I feel the fresh air and I hear myself sigh. My body starts moving again. We are all making it through, bringing Light into darkness. The clenching softens, dawn’s cleansing power enters in. The wild call comes as the Soul shines through again so hungry for life, taking us for a dance once again. As we move to this new year and consider our resolutions and invite new into our lives, it is helpful to reconcile the old, that which holds us in the tight grasp of the past. "It is never too late for any of us to look at our minds. We can always sit down and allow the space for anything to arise. Sometimes we have a shocking experience of ourselves. Sometimes we try to hide. Sometimes we have a surprising experience of ourselves. Often we get carried away. Without judging, without buying into likes and dislikes, we can always encourage ourselves to just be here again and again and again." ~ Pema Chödron
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 Swami Satchidananda has been my guru for over 20 years. I have had my share of personal and "non-ordinary reality" experiences with him. I have felt guided by him. I owe my gratitude to Integral Yoga for holding space for my spiritual development and I strongly believe that is still happening regardless of its founder's, Swami Satchidananda's past. My hope is that the teachings of Integral Yoga thrive and support many people on their path in the years to come.
Many of you have heard the allegations regarding Swami Satchidananda being in sexual relationships or proposing such to women. He denied this when he was still alive. There are women who are coming forward now with their personal stories of having been in sexual relationships with him. I have no reason to deny their message. I acknowledge the truth. Some had a loving and caring experience and some were deeply hurt. There is no doubt there was an enormous imbalance in power in these relationships and encounters even though they were to my knowledge consensual. It is this abuse of power and the cover up of truth that I find most troubling. There has been a lot of anger among people in the community due to the women being silenced or shamed for coming forward with their stories, now and in the past. This information is very difficult for many to process and the reaction to hearing it varies greatly. There is no longer space amongst us for comfortable denial. What does that mean to me personally? I moved from viewing Swami Satchidananda as a saint and a Guru to seeing him as a brilliant teacher with access to the inner world of Light and Love with highly developed psychic powers and at the same time being deeply, humanly flawed. Nevertheless, the teachings he shared with us are timeless, valid and powerful. In my heart I am glad Swami Satchidananda has been part of my path and at the same time I feel betrayed. My experiences of his guidance have been so powerful. Yet, over the course of many years, the guidance has not been coming exclusively from him. The guidance is within and comes in different forms. In my case, contemplating this brought forth old traumas which I had to process in order to be able to move forward. It took me months to detangle my personal traumas from this. In a strange way, I am relieved now of the burden I carried for so long since my late teens. I am grateful to have married a man who has always been kind and respectful in these ways. I see this time as an opportunity for healing. Acknowledgement and acceptance are the first steps. Reconciling the memories and making peace with the past are powerful tools that help us maintain a peaceful and loving existence. Self compassion is so important while seeing and allowing the thoughts, memories and emotions to emerge as well as finding support. As we foster healing in ourselves, we also heal collectively. May we all find kindness and compassion in our heart May our word be kind and truthful My our minds be clear and peaceful May the Light of Truth overcome all darkness  Door in the Sky The other day a door in the sky appeared as I lay on the beach watching the clouds taking shapes. There was a rabbit prancing by. The door opened. I soared up like an eagle and entered this mystery, a door to the other side of the sky where the bridges lead to many places and timelines. I stayed for a while visiting, just like a walk through the garden with many flowers to love, I was in awe. "What do people think spiritual development is? It’s not lights and trumpets. It’s very simple. It’s right here and now. People have this idea that Enlightenment and realization is something in the distance - a very fantastic and magnificent happening which will transform everything once and for always. But it’s not like that at all. It’s something which is sometimes so simple you hardly see it. It’s right here in front of us, so close we don’t notice it. And it’s something which can happen at any moment. And the moment we see it, there it is. It’s been there all the time, but we’ve had our inner eye closed. When the moments of awareness all link up - then we become a Buddha. "
~Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo  Love and joy Darkness and sorrow Thread by thread Now the blue one now the gray Dreams and images Fantasies and realities Thread by thread Now the gold one and now the black Each thought each feeling Every wish and every complaint Thread by thread The tapestry of life the magic of weaving Is the fabric smooth? What does it look like? Is it dark? Is it light? Now the silver one and now one of Light Words of friends, words of teachers Words of the enemy, words of me. Thread by thread The dream weaving of Real. Watch the thread going in. Choose the fabric of Life Weave it from the sunlight and the moon light and starlight and delight Thread by thread  And so I stand here. Watching. People wait their turn, fill out forms, check boxes, all trying to understand the rules. And there are the ones that help to pass a pencil here, a clipboard there. Maybe, they know something. I step into the shaft of pure Light pouring over me like a Christmas tree giving a present. Right there in the middle of the waiting room, in front of everyone. And no one joins in. No one even sees. I wonder...isn’t this why they wait here and fill these forms, listen for their number to be called? Oh the delight of this brilliant pure Light. No one steps in. So I silently help them dot the i(s) and cross the t(s), so intent on perfection, beautiful handwriting, perfectly designed forms. I watch them in the waiting room, going nowhere. Waiting. Now the anticipation starts to grow, people stirring! Silence replaced with murmur and rustling. The makeup goes on, and someone is wearing just the perfect shade of blue! The musician plays yet another amazing tune. I stand here watching. Now the atmosphere changes, hostility grows. I am told I do not get it, the importance of it all! The One, the teacher that knows, He is coming. Let’s look the best, sound the best! Only the best for Him. The Night goes on and nothing. I glance at a treasured picture of the One. Not even on the upper floor, he is nowhere. The distress is in the air. What a predicament. People gather and speak of solutions. Nobody is leaving. As the thrill fades, a sense of gloom replaces it. Confused eyes looking all around Then looking down. Enough of watching. I wonder… would two or three come with me, ready to move on, ready to greet the Dawn? I raise my hand and offer “Would anyone like to get out of here?” .... Oh the stares I get, the remarks… Oh dear! And so I go. Such delight to move freely. The trees are tall, lining an open road. Air brushing against my skin, The whole landscape filled with Light, And somewhere, in the distance, their voices echo in importance.  Recently I have been asked to describe myself using a fictional character. Could you describe yourself as a fictional character? I had trouble with that. How do I see myself? What character describes how others see me?
I remembered how fascinated I was with the character of the Little Mermaid in my childhood, not the Disney version but the one from the original story by Hans Christian Andersen. A happy mermaid who wishes to see the world, saves a prince from certain death as his ship sinks in the storm and falls in love with him. A beautiful girl with fins, scales and a mesmerizing voice who lives under the sea ends up sacrificing so much to pursue love. She strikes a bargain with a sea witch giving up her voice for a pair of legs. She sacrifices her voice, her home, and her family for the ability to live among humans. The new legs ended up not working so well and left bloody marks on the sand as she walked those first steps out of the ocean. We know how the story goes: the prince marries another. The ex-mermaid turned into a mute frail human girl, who couldn't return back home. She no longer had the body capable of living under the sea. She walked into the ocean anyway and turned into seafoam. She risked so much for love. What a sacrifice! Have you ever sacrificed your voice in the name of love? Have you ever ended up “on that beach” after living your story that ended badly? Have you felt so broken like nothing seemed to be left as if you just dissolved into seafoam? We all do things for love, for this frail human love, sometimes obsessive love that doesn't last. I sacrificed for love in my life. I moved away from my family and came to this country for love. I sacrificed my career for love. I had to learn new ways of expressing myself with words in English. Yes, that was hard and yet I would do it again. I was fortunate to be guided by a strong sense of intuition. Even though my story doesn't end with me losing my life and turning into seafoam, I can relate to that ending. There have definitely been times in my life when it felt as if I’d completely dissolved and nothing was left after my hopes and beliefs were shattered. I had to let go, dissolve and start anew like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I think most of us go through several cycles of this type of rebirth within one lifetime. Something about that story is still having a strong effect on me. What is healthy sacrifice, what is unhealthy sacrifice? Do we know our choices are going to hurt us and yet do it anyway? Is it sacrifice or self-harm? Where is that line between looking for love and looking to satisfy one's desires and addictions? Where's the line trusting our steps for a brighter future and when are we just escaping an old situation regardless of the consequences? We can take this attitude with our spiritual practice. We go for it, making adjustments, sacrifices to our lives and lifestyles. In the name of running towards the Light and Love, we are running away from our own problems, with the illusion that we will be able to find something that will miraculously help us to transcend all pain. In our pursuit, we can lose track of what is healthy and what is harmful. We might blindly follow a spiritual teacher who gives us so much. We can be blinded by the radiance and the power of teachings being shared with us. What if we find out our teacher has caused harm to us? We can lose sight in the name of spirituality becoming preoccupied by running towards self fulfillment and bypassing what is right in front of us. We have to ask the hard questions: Does this serve me, others and humanity? Am I lost in narcissistic self involvement, that never ending self improvement project? Is my pursuit of fulfillment a distraction, running away from reality? We need to know if we are justifying harm or indifference to harm in the name of some greater good and if we need course adjustment or simply need to stop running. ------------------------- The Uses of Sorrow | Mary Oliver (In my sleep I dreamed this poem) Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.  Every moment there is a love letter sent by the wind or the rain or even the rays of the light, like birds singing at the sunrise for all to hear. Somewhere on the planet there is a sunrise happening right now and the birds are singing to welcome it. Every moment, right now there is a soul sending out Love and Peace through chanting, prayer or wordless expressions of the heart. When the heart is singing, it awakens from its slumber and the beauty around us becomes truly visible.
We can align ourselves to hear this song, to receive this love letter. We also have the choice to let go of what feels important for a moment and join in the singing. We can send our own love letter out into the collective consciousness to reach each other right now and across the timelines. Can I add to this love letter? Can you? Some days are hard and I lean on my practice and faith. Everything seems dark, and I want to hide from the world. I don’t want others to see me or feel my presence. I get surprised by the kindness of people around me which I hardly seem to deserve. In those times, recalling that Love and Light are an option for me, is something to cherish. I only need to remember to enter the quietness and stillness just enough to receive and welcome this Blessing sent out by many. I only need to admit to myself that we all need a little help from time to time. And there are those times I feel open and consciously connected, the times when the flow of the world seems unconstricted by the whims of my existence. Those are the times I can give back. It can actually feel quite ordinary being in the moment and easy to forget that I also can add to this love letter. Yes, my mind reflects a glimmer of beauty and I can share it. In these times, I have to remember, it matters that I care and I can add my own expression of kindness. We can all make a difference even if we just whisper a few words of loving kindness and doing so keeps the heart happy and alive. Giving and receiving, inhaling and exhaling, like a bird moving the wings up and down to stay afloat, there has to be balance. Do I give back enough in comparison to what I receive? May the Light of Truth overcome all darkness. May we seek this Light and share it with one another. ॐ Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument. Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. ~ Rumi  Another Day
by Diana Meltsner Yet again a new day has come. Is this the moment to rise? Is it now, the time to slip out of the covers and enter the uncertainty of the new day? Let me start this day with joyful silence so focused and present just like the bird joining the rays of the sun each day with rhythm of a song. Let me meet this day with grace and wonder, not looking away. Is that enough? Living this life with open eyes and ever so aching heart enough? When the evening comes, will I know if I’ve lived enough? I don’t know if there is a plan or if I pray enough, all I know I live another day. 8/2021  Meet Mu, a French bulldog mix girl. She is young but has already had many babies. She gave birth to them and they were taken away. Mu just arrived from China and found her home for now on Linda’s Wonder Farm with dozens of dogs, pigs, hens and other animals that have been rescued from a doomed fate. Mu’s eye is missing as a result of a nasty infection but she is beautiful! I bet her babies are prize winning dogs.
When I met her the first time, Mu needed so much love and attention. She parked herself right on my lap and gave many kisses and needed to be seen, held and loved until she dropped from exhaustion later that day. If other dogs came by, she pushed herself closer to me so she could be touched, as if when she didn’t get the attention, there was something terribly terribly wrong. “Show me you love me, I love you,” was her mindset. I find this need in myself and in others as well. The need to shout to everyone we meet “love me” as Hafiz writes it in his poetry. We all have a deep need to be acknowledged and loved. We seek to be seen and validated, sometimes at the expense of others just like Mu pushing others aside to be right there, visible, in the front row. What creates this craving for constant reassurance? Is it the ego, old trauma, insecurity or social anxiety…? Mu has lived through trauma in her past. She was used as a breeding machine and was mistreated. Next time I saw her, she greeted me readily and stayed close to me. I played my bamboo flute for the animals on this farm and the dogs came by to listen. Mu wasn’t so sure and kept her distance for the first time looking a little scared. I let her sniff the flute to know what it was, and as I lifted the flute back towards my face, she cowered expecting to be hit. Poor darling, the flute looked a lot like a wooden stick that delivers pain. So I played just a little longer and then gave her plenty of cuddles. This need to know all is ok, that we are enough, that we are cared for… is it based in a fear that the only other option is getting hurt? And what if others get love and attention instead, perhaps right in front of us? Mu pushed others aside and pressed herself harder against me leaving no space for anyone else when that happened. But what about the others? What about me? Do I leave enough space for others? In conversation? On the stage of life? What about you and the Mu in you? When you walk in the room, do you need all eyes on you? Do you need to have all the answers? The best jokes? I do love that strong little doggie girl. I pray for her to land in a loving home, to be able to be less frightened, to let go of that hyper-alert state and be at ease. I pray for all of us to recover from hardship and trauma and to be content, to be the Light. ADMIT SOMETHING By Hafiz Everyone you see, you say to them, Love me. Of course you do not do this out loud; Otherwise, Someone would call the cops. Still though, think about this, This great pull in us To connect. Why not become the one Who lives with a full moon in each eye That is always saying, With that sweet moon language, What every other eye in this world Is dying to Hear. For more information about the Wonder Farm and the Wonder Dog Rescue please visit this website: https://www.wonderdogrescue.org/wonderfarm  These last months, my life has fallen into a rhythm of wakefulness and rest, work and play, inner contemplation and outer explorations. Now my days are changing again. As most of us are vaccinated here in the San Francisco area, it is becoming safer to go out, meet friends and family, eat out and mingle. Yet again, we are asked to adapt and shift gears. This impermanence of human existence is in plain sight. I see much change that happened to me and others; in health, relationships, work... Many of my relationships have changed, some grew stronger and some weakened or dissipated. I have had all those recollections of the past, memories pulled out from a deep slumber of unconsciousness awaiting resolution or just a bit of attention. As a result of this deep internal work, new realizations and old patterns came to light. Once again I strive for balance between doing and being, solitude and "with others". I see many of the unhealthy patterns of social engagement I have had, many things I considered normal and willingly settled to live with. Now is a chance for renewal. In these months I have continued to cultivate awareness as we meditators do. I am grateful for my practice and now I seem to have an increased need for solitude or perhaps it’s always been there. I aim to live an authentic life that is worth living. Life where my heart stays soft, feeling the pain of old things, yet free and spacious, filled with Light, Love and Beauty. Om Shanti. Peace to All. Peace in the Heart, Peace in the Mind. ॐ Please enjoy this poem I wrote during the last year and that was published by local literary magazine "The Bohemian". The Folding and Unfolding of Grace by Diana Meltsner In your urging I move. In your arms I die. I blossom and I die all at the same time. You take my lips to give this flute a voice only to dissolve it into silence. The merging and dividing, ecstasy and pain, beauty and terror waking me up. The folding and unfolding of Grace. Now and then. December 2020 ~ The Bohemian, Notre Dame De Namur University's literary and art journal, spring 2021 |
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