 What is this bubble world? Living in a bubble. Your bubble, mine. What’s outside? Bubbles floating on the sea. Is the sea outside? God? Inside out your bubble And see.
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 “All this is worn as a garment by the Lord, whatsoever is individual movement in the universal motion” are the very first words of Isha Upanishad. It points to the ever changing quality of our universe and at the same time a timeless and changeless reality. On the path of Yoga, we learn to adjust and flow with the changes in our body and life situations. Perhaps at first we have to adapt our yoga practice due to loss of a teacher or an injury. Going forward is not always a straight line. Yoga after 60 comes with its own challenges and adjusting one’s personal yoga practice becomes a very fine tuned skill. We feel changes in our bodies and at the same time there is a sense of being within us that doesn’t seem to change a perception of self that stays the same since childhood. The word yoga means union, uniting the ever changing individual identity with the changeless universal reality. Aging is a topic we hear about sparsely. The physical, psychological and spiritual evolution needs to be examined as we step into the final years of life and what that means for us. How does aging affect our practice? Does it mean we have to retreat into chair practice only or let yoga go all together? It is good to consider what yoga means to us and why we practice. The goal in asana practice might move from perfecting the asana form to sustaining mobility and strength in our bodies. In our minds, we must balance determination with flexibility as we have our ever changing life experience. Regular practice leads to steadiness of the mind, peace and ease, a very practical, everyday benefit. Reaching the state of self-awareness, freedom and liberation has been a goal of yogis for many centuries and can seem a bit far fetched and being at peace in life is a solid step towards what the ancient yogis aimed for. What is aging? There is chronological aging determined by age and cellular aging. Cellular aging can start as early as 30 but most start experiencing signs of aging in their 40's and 50’s. All cells go through changes with aging. In general cells become larger and are less able to divide and multiply. Gradually the cells lose the ability to replicate which reduces the cell’s ability to repair itself and eventually they stop functioning and whole organs start failing. Death is inevitable. We all have the same destination since the day we were born. Cellular aging and chronological aging can greatly differ. An older person can have the same cellular aging as a much younger one and vice versa. Cells can divide only a certain number of times before they age. The cellular aging can be detected through measuring telomere length which shortens when cells divide and age. Rate of telomere shortening may indicate the pace of aging. Telomeres are protective caps at the ends of chromosomes, strands of DNA that contain our genomes. The good news is that scientific studies of yoga1, including asana, breathing and meditation show that these practices slow down the aging process and improve the quality of our life. So how do we adjust our practice to enjoy the benefits and prevent injury? We learn we need stability in our “yoga flexible” body. Even if one is starting out with yoga late in life, developing a kind and caring relationship with the body becomes an important part of aiming for strength and mobility. We discover imbalances in the body that perhaps present themselves as loss of balance or for some hatha yogis as pain. Pain is an indicator that practice needs to be adjusted. We adapt. To build or sustain strength, we practice gently without damaging joints which become less flexible and stiffer due to a number of changes. We start our asana practice with joint activating warm ups. The strengthening practice shifts from long steady asana holds to shorter repetitive holds. Developing and sustaining strength of muscles that stabilize our joints becomes a priority. We lose muscle mass faster as we get older so regularity is a key. Flow style of asana practice is so enjoyable and can be continued with some adjustments. We develop a meticulous focus on alignment, matching the sequences to one's ability in the moment, meeting the body where it is at. The poses and transitions are done safely without collapsing into the joints or straining the muscles. What is the guide for stretching? Stretching accelerates regeneration of cells2. It is such a beneficial practice and we adjust to changes in our connective tissue like tendons, ligaments and fascia encasing the muscles. The connective tissue gets a bit more brittle, less elastic as we age and we commonly experience muscle stiffness3. We feel like we need to stretch everyday now when just a couple times a week seemed enough before. Long held stretches are still beneficial but we need to make sure our bodies are well supported throughout the stretch and aligned well. We adjust the level of effort to prevent unnecessary ligament strain. Restorative practice is an enjoyable way to increase openness in the body. There are many physical conditions that seem to pop up as obstacles to practice as we age. Once we get a diagnosis from our doctor like osteoporosis, arthritis or any other numerous conditions of the body that can develop, we need to take responsibility for educating ourselves about what to do and not do. Finding a yoga therapist who can guide us in the wondrous practice of yoga in times of challenge and change is always a great idea. I have seen many of my yoga therapy clients benefit from explorations of their practice, respecting the body’s needs while refining and meeting individual goals. Susan Ford, who became a yoga teacher at 62, shares her thoughts about getting older: “Looking back on my fiftieth birthday I felt the oldest I have ever felt in my life, old, tired and empty. As I approached my sixties there was a new energy blossoming. A vibrancy was present, a shift, a change. At age 62 I took accessible yoga teacher training with Jivana Heyman and a new chapter began. I am about to turn 78, I’m filled with some serious plans, physically I am building and healing, I do take naps, but I do not feel old.” Breathing practices and meditation have won my deep appreciation and respect. They increase ease and clarity in life. Breath can serve in 2 different ways. We observe natural breath and examine the breath rate, volume of the air as well as where the breath is felt in the body. This gives us an idea how we are doing physically and mentally in any given moment. Based on the breath evaluation we make informed choices like choosing to rest or applying relaxation methods or walking out of a harmful situation. We learn about our patterns of tension in the breath and how to release it. The other way is controlling and changing the breath at will with pranayama practices; especially deepening the breath and extending the exhalations. Simple Dirgha Pranayama, deep breathing can bring forth tremendous benefits if done daily. The breath control has a direct effect on our nervous system and emotional and mental state. Yoga Sutras of Patanjali 2.52 states “Pranayama removes the veil covering the inner Light of awareness.” Learning to regulate our nervous system and emotions helps us to meet challenges with more clarity and cope with chronic conditions like pain, anxiety or trauma. This gained easefulness allows us to stay in touch with the part of our being that is changeless and serene. “Aging isn't for sissies” is what Pat says as she shares her experience with aging. Pat, now at 80, has been a student of mine for many years. The ability to face aging with courage and calmness is a welcomed skill by many seniors that I have worked with over the past 2 decades. Cultivating the mind with meditation and mindfulness helps develop even-mindedness in life. A friendly aware mind is such help in finding peace in the present and when remembering the past. Moving forward into old age without resolving issues of the past can become a real burden. It is never too late to find peace with our past. Can we continue to experience contentment with our Yoga practice? Absolutely YES. And sometimes that means letting go of the "Yogi" we used to be and finding the Yogi who is deeply grounded in Peace in the midst of life's changes.  “Adapt, Adjust, Accommodate. Be serene and tranquil under all circumstances. Cultivate this virtue, Shama (serenity), again and again through constant and strenuous endeavour. Serenity is like a rock; waves of irritation may dash on it, but cannot affect it. Meditate daily on the ever-tranquil Atman or the Eternal which is unchanging. You will attain this sublime virtue gradually. The divine light will descend only on a calm mind.” ~ Swami Sivananda 1)https://www.ornish.com/zine/the-lancet/ The Lancet: Healthy Lifestyle Changes Actually Change our Genes, The results of Dr. Dean Ornish's five-year study, 2013 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5632896/ Impact of Yoga and Meditation on Cellular Aging in Apparently Healthy Individuals: A Prospective, Open-Label Single-Arm Exploratory Study, 2017 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25964984/ Telomerase activity and cellular aging might be positively modified by a yoga-based lifestyle intervention, 2015 2)https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6859692/ Tissue Regeneration from Mechanical Stretching of Cell–Cell Adhesion, 2019 3)https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9569538/ The Effects of Aging on the Intramuscular Connective Tissue, 2022 Isha Upanishad, translated and commentaries by Sri Aurobindo, free pdf download: https://www.sriaurobindoashram.org/sriaurobindo/downloadpdf.php?id=32  What about enlightenment? Is that the destination of our spiritual awakening? Is it for anyone and what does that mean? All people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities. Awakening is available to all regardless of nationality, gender or social status. Yoga master Swami Sivananda confirmed this to be true and encouraged all to step on the path to Awakening now. Being in the Divine presence, peaceful and truthful with a steady mind and an open heart describes that path for me. Having a practice that sustains and cultivates our ability to be present and aware is this path. What do the Yoga texts say about enlightenment? In Yoga Sutras of Patanjali our world is divided into 2 separate entities: that of material and that of Spirit. One’s final realization comes from knowing the Spirit. It comes only when one no longer has any seeds of past desires that bring forth more karma and births. Once these seeds are “burned” by practice, one becomes free of future karma, consequences of actions in the material world and is liberated from the painful cycle of births and death. The Bhagavad Gita says something a little different. Krishna describes how an enlightened, a realized person lives and acts. Gita speaks of a person of steady wisdom who is not affected by the sensual temptations, who keeps equilibrium amongst the sense objects and pairs of opposites such as praise or blame, heat or cold etc. This scripture speaks of unity. The material world being part of Divine Oneness. Non-dual reality is the basic principle of Vedanta. Enlightenment does not necessarily suggest freedom from moral and ethical obligation of the material world but rather conscious blending of matter and spirit and rejoicing in the well being of all. It draws a clear picture of a Saint. In eastern philosophy reincarnation is common and widely believed. One’s rebirth is based on karmic seeds, unfulfilled desires and clinging. Sri Ramakrishna said that upon final realization the soul is no longer tied to this world and often moves on. He said that about his beloved disciple Swami Vivekananda who died young and it’s believed he died at the moment of such realization. Sri Ramana Maharshi said that ultimately liberation comes as a gift from the Divine regardless of our karmic predispositions, aspirations or practices, the same as Mundaka Upanishad says. This text also describes liberated sage. Many of the world’s religions believe that saints continue to act in the world and set an example for others on the path of evolution of the individual soul. They serve God's mission which is just. Buddhism speaks of Bodhisattva, a person who is able to reach nirvana but delays doing so out of compassion in order to save suffering beings. Bodhisattva is a realized soul who chooses to be born again and again to help others. The Dalai Lama states that the path to awakening consists of developing simultaneously wisdom and compassion. The path to enlightenment of Christian saints has always been an interest of mine. The final stages describe the blending of the individual with Divine, where the individual will dissolves into the will of God like a drop blending in with the ocean. It is also not uncommon that the awakening of these individuals is unrecognized by others. My favorite saint is St. Theresa of Avila who describes her path to enlightenment in her autobiography she wrote in 1575. The path of unfolding blessings from God and overcoming obstacles of vanity and personal desires. My path started in Christianity and eventually I committed to Yoga. I found Integral Yoga in 1998 and what I learned and experienced has greatly shaped my life. I have recently had to reconsider my faith and dedication to the yogic path. The fact that my “realized” teacher broke basic ethical principles of monastic celibacy and truthfulness made me pause and reconsider. Is enlightenment what I thought it was or was he not quite there yet or fell down from the heights of the liberated state? The belief that Swami Satchidananda, the founder of Integral Yoga was a fully realized human being is challenged. Swami Vimalananda, monastic of Integral Yoga taught us that the “fake it until you make it” approach is ok, that we as yoga teachers should own the teachings when presenting them and do our best to follow them. Was that what our founding Swami’s approach was as well? The conviction that Swami Satchidananda achieved liberation as described in Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a state which was beyond the ethical ties of the material world is a philosophical point that many believe. These ethical guidelines were broken resulting in harm. Some cannot acknowledge a possibility that his “secret” is real since the faith in his Divinity and their idea of Divinity differs. Swami Divyananda told us “You cannot judge the actions of Enlightened ones!”. Before all this, I felt a great encouragement from Swami Satchidananda’s existence. If he “made it”, I could also make it or at least get near. I had a goal and a way to proceed. I had an idea about enlightenment and he was my example. That changed for me since I discovered the well kept secret about him. I had to sort my thoughts, feelings and beliefs. I continue to feel a lot of gratitude for his sharing of these ancient teachings with us and gratitude for many of his direct disciples making them accessible. Regardless of his past, what I learned from him has had a tremendous positive effect on me and my students. These ancient teachings of Yoga are valid and reliable regardless of his enlightenment status. How to keep moving forward on the Yogic path? I had to adjust and adapt. I felt a deep sense of betrayal. For a while it felt like I was free falling. I had to learn to embrace the unknown, not grasping at anything as the ultimate truth. I had to let the house of cards collapse and revisit my beliefs and faith. We all have to do this alone while being together. No one can do the inner work for us and mutual support is invaluable. “Just studying religion ourselves is not enough; we need to connect with humanity, with the world in beneficial ways. If we can form positive, conscious relationships with the human family, then we can really make a difference in the world.” ~Lama Surya Das There is a unity amongst us all on this planet and our interconnection is clear to me. Everyday, I experience being very much blended with this world and paradoxically I also stand apart. There is such complexity to our existence. I know I am much more than a disciple of one Yoga master. I continue to feel guided by Divine and by Swami Sivananda, Swami Satchidananda’s Guru. I feel open to receiving this guidance. Will I be able to receive teachings as given by Swami Satchidananda without questioning now? Only time will show. I now look for clues from historical and cultural settings of spiritual teachings in an attempt to find the core of Truth in them. I ask what the scripture said and what other masters say. “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” is a well known saying originating all the way back to Buddha and Lao Tzu. I believe that Swami Satchidananda was such a teacher for many of us. I believe guidance also comes internally beyond the personality of one man or lineage. The inner Light is showing me the way. I am so glad I am still open to guidance. I don't want "trust no one" as my motto and yet a healthy dose of skepticism is smart. I aim to learn healthy boundaries and live in Truth. I invite joy, awe and peace into my life. “May you realise that the shape of your Soul is unique, that you have a special destiny here, that behind the complete facade of your life, something beautiful, planned, and eternal is unfolding and happening.” — John O'Donohue I continue to teach and practice Yoga as a wondrous path to Peace and to Divine. I am dedicated to sharing the ancient teachings of Yoga and continue to practice them. I want to live peacefully and truthfully. Divine supports me.  “The Way It Is” by William Stafford There’s a thread you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesn’t change. People wonder about what you are pursuing. You have to explain about the thread. But it is hard for others to see. While you hold it you can’t get lost. Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old. Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding. You don’t ever let go of the thread. ________________________________________________________________________________________
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 “A person can rise up through the efforts of his own mind; or in the same manner, draw himself down, for each person is his own friend or enemy.” - Bhagavad Gita, 6.5 chapter The Yoga of Meditation Yoga offers a method for purification of the body, the energetic field and the mind. Most are familiar with the physical asana practice which conditions the body to make it a better functioning vehicle in our lives. Asanas help develop strength and flexibility. They improve circulation, function of the internal organs and balance the nervous system. Purification of the body and toxin elimination is part of the process. We let go. Pranayama, breathing practices help to purify the energetic field. This is a more subtle region which is perceived with clarity by only a few. The process usually brings a little level of disturbance that is hard to pinpoint. When continued, pranayama starts to “clear the waters” and we begin to feel lighter and yet grounded. We start to think with clarity. Mental purification comes indirectly from the practice of these two mentioned methods of yoga. The most direct path is through meditation. Some would say the mind is also purified through other paths like selfless service, prayer or spiritual study and inquiry. What happens when meditating? We cultivate attentiveness in two forms, concentration and open-awareness state. Practice of concentration creates a one-pointed mind which allows us to stay present with what we choose rather than a mind which is being constantly distracted and tossed around like a leaf in the wind. On the other hand, the developed broad sense of awareness allows many aspects of our being to coexist; the perception of the body’s sensations, the input from the senses and the mental world of thoughts and emotions. The practice of meditation gives us the ability to move with life while being aware of what is happening within us and around us with clarity. It gives us an opportunity to stay focused on what is important to us, what gives our life meaning. What is this mental purification process in meditation? As we meditate, we direct our attention to a chosen point generating positive and steady vibrational states. The ancient yogic text, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, recommends focusing on something that is uplifting. As we focus, the mind comes in with stories and narratives. Such thoughts distract us. As soon as we realize it, we recover our point of focus. We do this over and over again. In this process, the mind starts releasing echoes of old emotions and thought patterns. Some meditations can be very relaxing, soothing, even blissful, and some will expose our unconscious mental tendencies which can be startling to us and unpleasant. We let them out and let them be. Just as detoxification of the body brings a bad taste to the mouth and perhaps some body odor, as we start purifying the mind, there is debris of the old, which we need to release. We also get a view of our current mental patterns. We expose fears and discontents and recognize how they affect our life. We learn to accept them and let them go. Our developed one-pointed mind allows us to stay focused, and the broad, all encompassing awareness helps us to find clarity of the big picture. It is from this place of clarity that we have a choice to cultivate new mental tendencies, such as joy, wonder, compassion and tranquility. We invite these positive emotional states to accompany us in life.  Tara symbolizes pure compassion and is believed to possess the ability to guide followers, like a star, on their spiritual path. Please join me for upcoming online meditation programs:
 Yoga came to us here in the West from a highly devotional culture of India where the worship of multiple Deities has been part of people’s lives for many centuries on an everyday basis. I first learned about Yoga in college from a book by Swami Sivananda and then I found the Integral Yoga Institute here in San Francisco just before the turn of the century. I learned Yoga has much more to it than just physical postures and breathing. The complexity of Yoga and the positive influence that it has had on my life keeps me interested as I continue to learn, share with others and awaken. Swami Satchidananda, the founder of Integral Yoga brought teachings of Yoga and its many practices to the United States a long time ago, before I was even born. Path of Bhakti Yoga and its devotional practices were part of it. Bhakti Yoga is considered the Yoga of the Heart. How does prayer and worship as traditionally practiced in Yoga translate to a non-Hindu society? After more than 50 years, did it take? Is it possible to participate with full authenticity in devotional rituals that call on Hindu Gods and Goddesses? The kirtan practice, call and response chanting is widely popular here in the Bay Area. This singing of holy names is no less ecstatic than praising the Lord with Gospel music. As we call the names of Hindu deities, can we relate to them more than to the Gods and Goddesses of the old Roman mythology? These are questions we have to ask ourselves and search our hearts. I believe it is through the authentic expression of spirituality and aligning fully with the Truth as we perceive it, we begin to awaken. We are told by teachers of Yogic lineages that one God will come to us in any form we choose if we are genuine in our faith. There can be a deep resonance with the concepts of Divine attributes associated with these figures of Hindu devotion but is that genuine faith? As a young woman, I was given a mantra for my meditation practice. Repeating sacred sounds, mantras is a technique used by many around the world. This mantra I received had a name of Hindu deity in it and the word namah. Namah represents the devotional part of the mantra, a salutation and a proclamation of surrender. My meditation developed and the mantra became an intimate companion in my life. After about 7 years of practice, I had a meltdown. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt so much inner conflict. I just wasn't feeling connected to this personification of Divine. I asked for help from a trusted swami, a monk in a yogic tradition. In gratitude, I was given an adjustment to my mantra that was more aligned with my beliefs. I could not adopt the Hindu God with authenticity. Another aspect of devotion in the eastern world is dedication to a teacher. People love following gurus. This was first known to me by hearing of the Beatles and their exploration of the eastern ways. Why is Guru worship so popular? The Guru is in physical form, tangible and relatable. We are attracted to something we feel and see. Teachers inspire us and kindle our aspirations. There are holy men and women in many different traditions, a fact which seems to cross the boundaries of cultures. This type of loving devotion can get dangerous and derail our rationale and even have us vulnerable to manipulation. It has become known that many spiritual teachers, priests or gurus have exploited their communities financially or even sexually. When you mix devotion, love, and sex, you can get a pretty powerful cocktail that can have a lasting imprint on the victims of such abuse of power. I have learned that my primary yoga master Swami Satchidananda has done so as well. Multiple women came forward with reports of their sexual involvement with this supposedly celibate holy man. Now even though Swami Satchidananda’s disciples know, many continue to see him as no less than Divine. Many continue to worship him regardless of his hidden shadow life, regardless of the lies and betrayals. They worship him in recognition of the Light they saw in him and in gratitude for all the gifts they received. Is that ok? There is sweetness in the act of worship itself and any act of truly felt devotion has power. Opening the heart, loving, expressing affection is undeniably an important part of spiritual life. How can we express that authentically and in harmony with yogic teachings of the east? Let’s find what makes our hearts sing.   I recently had an interesting conversation with two of our neighbors as we ran into each other on the beach. Our dogs are friends and we walked together. It was a lovely and spontaneous exchange of experiential knowledge. The topic was releasing tension from the body. They have explored releasing tension through body work, acupuncture and eventually arrived at energetic release through touch. We talked about the build up in fascia and muscles resulting in limited movement of the joints and how miraculously the energy healing can reduce this very tangible physical tension. In Yoga we speak of the different layers of our Being; physical, energetic, mental and further the layer of the bliss body and the individual soul. We hold patterns of tension and it shows up on all of these levels. In the body, it can be habitual tensing of the jaw or shoulders. We hold patterns of tension in our breathing, not exhaling enough or holding the breath. On an energetic level, the flow of the energy slows down or becomes stagnant in certain areas of our body. On the mental level, the tension shows up as rigid thinking, ceaseless ruminations and resentments, feeling stuck or irritated. All of these are examples of contracting rather than opening. The Taittiriya Upanishad was the first ancient text to discuss these different layers (koshas) of our body and became a module for healing in contemporary Yoga Therapy. Vedanta tells us these layers are interconnected and part of one Self.  We can cultivate the ability to let go. As we let go and release tension on one level, all the layers of our Being respond. We can feel the sense of ease and joy and connect with intuition, the whisper of our soul. We start to feel the soul purpose, the big reason why we are here. It allows us to align with the truest expression of who we are. My favorite practice has been working with the breath and truly letting my breath have the freedom to move. The ancient practice of ajapa japa using the So-Hum mantra has been helping my breath to recover from habitual patterns of tension. Essentially, this mantra means, “I am That”—I am pure awareness or consciousness. I can feel the energy awakening in my body by having an increased sensation in different parts of my body and a sense of openness. Cultivation of mindfulness has allowed me to have the ability to recognise these subtle shifts in my body and furthered my ability to let go. Mindfulness, Sati, described as 'bare attention' and Dharana, “one-pointed attention”, both teach us how to focus our attention on the present and experience life in more depth. Meditation has been such a big part of my life and yet the mental work alone is not enough. We know that trauma lives in the body and that one cannot think oneself out of anxiety. The body needs to be a part of the healing process and releasing tension is a big step in healing. It was so nice to explore this topic with someone who doesn’t know that yoga is a complex array of practices but only as a physical exercise where one is following a certain set of postures.  
She said: “My Love” She held me tenderly I held on so tight worried she would leave She kissed me on my lips so light and I knew she would stay. I can rest now. I can dive into this crazy life. I can cross the bridges. Her loving can heal my injured soul. Her loving puts a smile on my face. She is to stay. But wait, who is she? Has she been with me all this time? by Diana Meltsner 2/8/21 image: Moon's daughter by Seb Mckinnon   It has been quite a few months since I learned that my primary Yoga teacher and founder of the Integral Yoga organization was not all that I thought, not the Holy man as I imagined him to be but a brilliant spiritual teacher with personal desires he did not resist. I took time to process. Overcoming the doubt and listening to the voices of the women, I went through a period of re-triggered trauma from my past. I felt it all. I anguished over how women deserve better than the current society gives them. We deserve better than being treated like disposable pleasure objects. The upset slowly turned into grieving. The sadness of losing my ideal, my dream vision of a teacher whose teachings have guided me for the past 25 years like a rudder on my journey through life. His teachings so clearly described an influencing force beyond an individual personality guiding us all. I have learned to trust that inner voice even more now. All anyone can really do for us is to point the direction in which to head. To acknowledge this independence and personal responsibility feels like growing up. "I am always ready to help you. My sympathies are ever with you. I will radiate joy, peace and thought currents of love towards you. I will inspire you, but I cannot do the work for you. You yourself will have to do the work. The struggle and exertion must come from your side.” - Swami Sivananda I recently had a powerful dream with Swami Satchidananda. I had my first dream with him when I was only 19, living in a freshly democratic post-communist Czech Republic. He taught me a Sanskrit chant before I knew there was Yoga or the Sanskrit language. In this new dream just a couple weeks ago, he was in a new body of a young man. We spoke a little. I told him I missed his beard and he showed me his whiskers that are starting to grow under his jaw, not thick enough to grow a beard yet. I was lucid enough to remember my current life. I have been coordinating the San Francisco Integral Yoga teachers in writing a statement, finding a collective voice to share our concerns for the Integral Yoga organization and community which we all love. It was a gentle and loving request to the authorities for transparency, acknowledgment and open communication about the future. Remembering all that in my dream, nevertheless I felt fully accepted. Swami Satchidananda told me that he holds space for me among his most beloved. I cried and cried until I woke up. I felt so happy for this youth with this wonderful soul as he was just starting out his life. I wonder, will I meet him again before I die? I could recognize him. It is said that the bond between the teacher and student in Yoga continues on. I feel that to be true. How can my heart/mind love and cherish a person and also be disappointed and appalled by their behavior? Can I really understand? I have had a brush of experience with the luminous awareness and Divine presence. I understand that our "knowing" is just an approximation of the Real. Our mental perception of Truth is like squeezing the whole universe into the eye of a needle. We have to bear this human condition as best we can, mine, yours and our teacher's. I’m learning to rest in my heart and let compassion be my guide. I acknowledge the pain and harm that Swami Satchidananda’s behavior has caused to many of the women he sexually interacted with and the harm done within our community by denying the truth or covering it up. I also acknowledge the Light and healing that he has brought into our lives. Holding both of these points of view at the same time in all honesty also feels like growing up  This Magnificent Refuge
This magnificent refuge is inside you. Enter. Shatter the darkness that shrouds the doorway. Be bold. Be humble. Put away the incense and forget the incantations they taught you. Ask no permission from the authorities. Close your eyes and follow your breath to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home. by Theresa of Avila  The Remnants Memories of friends, their generosity and obsessions, children’s joy, their eyes filled with wonder, the hurt and disappointment, mine and yours. I see the pain of unreconciled differences hanging over us like dark clouds, doors close quickly and words disappear. I see the pain of unwelcome gifts. Receiving in awkward silence things, care, harm you meant for me to have. Turning towards the Light, I can see the pain of holding on to what no longer is, the good and bad. Like trying to wear old clothes that no longer fit or flatter. How does one live with memories? How does one let this pain pass through? How does one move with changing seasons? Fall turning into the winter while remembering the warmth of the sun, or remembering those simple times before the fire came and devoured it all. The Remnant, I look at it and smile, like seeing an old friend I used to spend a lot of time with. I choose to peel away a little from this familiar pain. The heaviness starts washing away, eventually it dissipates. I feel the fresh air and I hear myself sigh. My body starts moving again. We are all making it through, bringing Light into darkness. The clenching softens, dawn’s cleansing power enters in. The wild call comes as the Soul shines through again so hungry for life, taking us for a dance once again. As we move to this new year and consider our resolutions and invite new into our lives, it is helpful to reconcile the old, that which holds us in the tight grasp of the past. "It is never too late for any of us to look at our minds. We can always sit down and allow the space for anything to arise. Sometimes we have a shocking experience of ourselves. Sometimes we try to hide. Sometimes we have a surprising experience of ourselves. Often we get carried away. Without judging, without buying into likes and dislikes, we can always encourage ourselves to just be here again and again and again." ~ Pema Chödron
 Swami Satchidananda has been my guru for over 20 years. I have had my share of personal and "non-ordinary reality" experiences with him. I have felt guided by him. I owe my gratitude to Integral Yoga for holding space for my spiritual development and I strongly believe that is still happening regardless of its founder's, Swami Satchidananda's past. My hope is that the teachings of Integral Yoga thrive and support many people on their path in the years to come.
Many of you have heard the allegations regarding Swami Satchidananda being in sexual relationships or proposing such to women. He denied this when he was still alive. There are women who are coming forward now with their personal stories of having been in sexual relationships with him. I have no reason to deny their message. I acknowledge the truth. Some had a loving and caring experience and some were deeply hurt. There is no doubt there was an enormous imbalance in power in these relationships and encounters even though they were to my knowledge consensual. It is this abuse of power and the cover up of truth that I find most troubling. There has been a lot of anger among people in the community due to the women being silenced or shamed for coming forward with their stories, now and in the past. This information is very difficult for many to process and the reaction to hearing it varies greatly. There is no longer space amongst us for comfortable denial. What does that mean to me personally? I moved from viewing Swami Satchidananda as a saint and a Guru to seeing him as a brilliant teacher with access to the inner world of Light and Love with highly developed psychic powers and at the same time being deeply, humanly flawed. Nevertheless, the teachings he shared with us are timeless, valid and powerful. In my heart I am glad Swami Satchidananda has been part of my path and at the same time I feel betrayed. My experiences of his guidance have been so powerful. Yet, over the course of many years, the guidance has not been coming exclusively from him. The guidance is within and comes in different forms. In my case, contemplating this brought forth old traumas which I had to process in order to be able to move forward. It took me months to detangle my personal traumas from this. In a strange way, I am relieved now of the burden I carried for so long since my late teens. I am grateful to have married a man who has always been kind and respectful in these ways. I see this time as an opportunity for healing. Acknowledgement and acceptance are the first steps. Reconciling the memories and making peace with the past are powerful tools that help us maintain a peaceful and loving existence. Self compassion is so important while seeing and allowing the thoughts, memories and emotions to emerge as well as finding support. As we foster healing in ourselves, we also heal collectively. May we all find kindness and compassion in our heart May our word be kind and truthful My our minds be clear and peaceful May the Light of Truth overcome all darkness |
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